About Schmidt, Being Attractive
and Sausage Gravy and Biscuits

Lounge Cocktail:

Fire in Heaven

• 1 oz 151 proof rum
• 1 shake Tabasco sauce

Fill up shot glass with 151 proof Rum and Tabasco. You may want to chase this with Pepto Bismol, it's your ass.

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Wisconsin Study Results Are In:
What a woman finds attractive.

A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ - depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance: if she is ovulating: she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features;

If she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his rear end while he is on fire.

Submitted by J. Koster, Chicago, IL

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"I have an existential map.
It has 'You are here' written all over it."

-Steven Wright

Lounging at the movies: About Schmidt

Did not care for it and there is no need to write me to convince me of its merit. About Schmidt was marketed as a comedy and what I got was a depressing story about a man who feels his life is meaningless. I can be plenty depressed without looking at someone else's depressing life.

There where a couple moments where my senses where surprised. One the good side we have a man who finds himself independent and doing some of the things he may have never done with out his current circumstance.

On the bad side you will see Kathy Bates completely in the buff. No holds bared, in you face, gravity and all and directly after you get a shot of 60 year old Jack Nicholson butt crack. Lesser things have caused a need for therapy.

The slow burn of all the bad things he has had to suck up made me want to go out more and have life experiences to remember when I am old. A fear arose out of me of my own life and I felt pity for the rest of the day for this poor man and not just because he was in a confined area with a butt naked Kathy Bates.

I thought they had to many letters in the title. If you kept the the s and omitted every other letter you would be correct.

Birthday with the F.B.I.

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Billy Bob and leave.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, buddy."

B. K. Lounge Sausage Gravy and Biscuits

We have been making sausage gravy for a long time and have tried many other recipes but there is only one way to make true sausage gravy and biscuits. You must have "Way". Like a Jedi Knight or a Samurai you must feel the "Way" of the sausage gravy. It is not about measuring and ingredients. It is about love, desire and devotion. You will find "Way" as you continue to make sausage gravy and biscuits and adjust the below recipe to be your own.

Biscuits
2 cups all purpose flour
1 Tablespoon baking powder
2 teaspoons sugar
1/2 teaspoon cream of tartar
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup shortening
1 cup milk

First get the sausage gravy going by cooking sausage in a large skillet over med -high heat until it looks like ground beef, completely crumbled. Do not drain off nay of the grease.

Sprinkle with the flour and continue to stir for 3 minutes.

Slowly pour in the milk as you stir. It will thicken rapidly.

Continue to stir and add the ground pepper, red pepper and sage. Continue to stir for a couple more minutes and turn down and cover.

While the gravy is staying warm and thickening get out a large bowl and preheat the oven to 450 degrees. Sift the flour, baking powder, sugar, cream of tartar and salt into the bowl.

With a small spoon add the shortening in small clumps. I think the next step is called cutting.

You need to cut in the shortening with a fork or what ever you have. This means you will need to break up the shortening and mix it into the four until it resembles crumbled dirt, only white.

Add the milk and mix into a dry dough.

On a cookie sheet take your spoon and make little biscuit size piles.

Bake for about 14 minutes. Realize these biscuits are not dinner biscuits. They are made just for gravy. They are dry and crumble. So if you think you must have made a mistake fear not.

Crumble a biscuit or two on a plate, cover with gravy and experience a little bit of hillbilly paradise.

*We are noticing a trend in Country Sausage that is similar to what happened to American Beer and dairy products. We have found maple, sage, spicy and reduced fat country sausage, and had a hard time finding regular, nothing fancy, cheap country sausage. Remember Ricotta cheese when it was not low calorie, reduced fat, farm raised, macrobiotic and fat free? Remember beer before it was light, ice, low alcohol (who in the world came up with that one), filtered and freshness dated.

Do not let them confuse into buying an inferior food product. Buy the real thing. Call Jimmy Dean if you need to.

NOTICE:
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

Phobia Of The Month:
Ambulophobia- Fear of walking.

Does this mean you would run everywhere?
Interesting.....

Please send us your comments and we will consider them for future newsletter.

©Bryan Knox, 2003
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