Lounge Cocktail: Water
Cocktail by WebTender

• Water

To prepare for a new year of lounge cocktails we are suggesting drink water for the month of January.

Who are we kidding. We are staring at several more months of cold, short days and cocktails make it more tolerable. Of course some people may need professional help to overcome these depressing months of layered clothing and wet feet but most of us can only afford armature help, alcohol. Below is a list of tasty armature help.

Hot Toddie

• 1 tsp. Sugar
• Boiling Water
• 1 1/4 oz. Bourbon

In a mug, add 1 teaspoon of sugar and your liquor choice. Fill with hot water, garnish with an orange or lemon twist. After 2 you may want to loose the ritual and pour a straight bourbon.

Mulled Wine
Tasty and you can add whisky to step it up a notch.

• 750 milliliter bottle of Wine. Red is good.
• Juice of one Orange
• 1/2 tsp. each of; Nutmeg,
00 Cinnamon and powdered Clove
• 2 tablespoons whole Cloves.
• Sweeten with Honey or Brown sugar to taste.

In a large saucepan over very low heat, Combine the ingredients and heat until sufficiently warm being careful not to overheat.

Bushwhacker

• 1/4 oz. White Creme de Cacao
• 1/4 oz. Cream of Coconut
• 1/4 oz. Kahlua
• 1/4 oz. 151 Rum
• 1/4 oz. Half & Half

Mix in cocktail shaker full of ice and strain into a rocks glass. We know a guy who made condoms out of camouflage latex and he called them Bush Whackers. The tag line was, "They will never see you coming." Say it out loud. Think about it. Really funny.

Bikini Line

• Vodka
• Tina Maria
• Chambord

As far as we can tell you mix this in equal parts.

Chuck Norris Fact Sheet:

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd
had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Submitted by Joel K. Chicago, IL

Lounging at the movies: House of Sand and Fog, House of Wax

House of Sand and Fog (2003)
Starring: Ben Kingsly, Jennifer Connelly, Ron Eldard and others.

This movie has been commented as brilliant. Nominated for 3 Oscars. Also nominated for the BFCA Award, Artios Award a Golden Globe award and won the Independent Spirit Award as well as many others. We love Ben Kingsley (Suspect Zero, Sexy Beast) but would have rather waxed our butts than sit through this film.

The story is about a lady (Jennifer Connelly) who looses her house due to a tax error. It is purchased by a Man (Ben Kingsley) and his family. He is a hard working fellow who only wants what is best for his family. This mixture of loss and gain leads to tragedy. Slow, dull, tragedy. The kind where nobody wins and everybody feels like crap. Or like they have just wasted 1.5 hours of their life depending on if you are in the movie or just watching it.

Instead of renting this film you should take up gambling and suck at it. The feeling is probably the same.

House of Wax (2005)
Starring: The guy from the show "One Tree Hill", Brian Van Holt, Paris Hilton, Jared Padlock, Jon Abraham's and others.

Loosely based on the 1953 original (Vincent Price) this movie will make you close your eyes and clinch your teeth. It has been a while since we have seen a true horror film and this film definitely filled the void.

This movie is about 6 friend traveling to a football game in Baton Rouge when they decide to camp for the night instead of driving through the night. In the morning they need a fan belt and from there the crap pretty much hits the fan and the director makes sure you see it all. When the kids wander into a town who's main attraction is the House of Wax they soon find that things are not what they seem and pay dearly for it.

People who dislike Paris Hilton, you may find some redeeming value for her as an actress, and if not she ends up getting speared through the head and video taped. This is not a metaphor. This movie is a true horror film. 3 thumbs up and a nod for freaking us out.

2005 E-Mail Overview

A new year is hear and we like to review our e mail over the past year.

2005 was a crazy year for us. We have been asked to move no less than 500 gazillion dollars out of Nigeria from several Nigerian Dignitaries, Heads of State and Wives of dead Heads of State. Although we have not received any checks yet we wait in anticipation for them to arrive.

With our new found Nigerian income on the way we have all decided to go back to college. Evidently there is a school in Phoenix that will allow us to use our life experience to acquire our Masters or Phd. Soon we may posses a Masters in Lounging or be a Doctor of Lounging. Look out for our rates to double when this happens.

Going back to school works well with all the online pharmacies we now have access to. No more waiting around for your friends buddy's neighbor. At first we had some problems with various forms of amphetamine but soon found that there are more than one way to skin a cat. Now we have the emotional stability and constitution of Elvis Presley, except we are not dead yet.

We are approved for a mortgage from several companies that have been trying to contact us.

Watches. Real watches. Not fake watches but watches that are replicas of real watches. Or is it fake watches that are replicas of real watches. Either way we have the bling of a Philly Blunt salesman at a Cypress Hill concert and we are always on time.

Through our e-mail we have also become the center for stock information. We are up to date and know of every up and coming company in the world. Maybe when we go back to school we will ask them what Micro-Cap is.

We evidently have bank accounts at multiple banks in multiple states and countries but our passwords are wrong and need to be updated. We also seem to have accounts with E-Bay with the same problem. When we have time we will update all this information and we appreciate everyone keeping us informed of our account problems.

We have won the lottery in the Netherlands and England on several occasions but we need to pay the taxes on the money in order to have the lottery authorities send us the money. We have told them that we are waiting for our check from our Nigerian friends. As soon as we get it we will retrieve our winnings.

Notice:

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Phobia Of The Month:
Ephebiphobia: Fear of teenagers.

This phobia makes for the crappiest High School experience ever OR a really funny character for a John Hughes movie.

Please send us your comments and we will consider them for future newsletters.

©Bryan Knox, 2006
Designed and developed at Knox Laboratory